I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
