I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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