you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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