its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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