I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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