Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Randomize
