i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
