i was born a porn star she said
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
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