woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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