You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
