im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The feeling are messing with the penis
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
