she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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