i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
