I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
