I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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