i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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