Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
