I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
