can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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