i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
