i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
