he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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