i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
