I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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