I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
