Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I party with great urgency now.
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