I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
