I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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