My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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