my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
