you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
