I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
