yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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