How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
