I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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