those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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