Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My penis needs a shock collar
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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