I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
