I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
