I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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