great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
