his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
