so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize