hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
