I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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