You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
