Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
