god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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