I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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