I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
