dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize