brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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