I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
lets start a swedish sibling band together
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
