I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
