Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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