I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
