sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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