thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
